It’s pretty good to be Seth Rogen these days. For a stoner Canadian lad with dreams of comedy superstardom and Hollywood mogul-dom, things are pretty much exceeding Rogen’s highest and fondest wishes. His movie career is chugging along lucratively, and with no small amount of critical acclaim. He’s an Emmy nominee for writing on Da Ali G Show (he lost), and producing. (He expects The Boys will lose out for Outstanding Drama Series, possibly because there’s a character with a “ten-foot dick.”) He’s famously become a legal (in Canada and your better U.S. states) weed magnate. Hell, the guy even testified before Congress on behalf of a worthy cause that had nothing to do with marijuana—and mocked those absent lawmakers who decided they had better things to do with their day than learn about Alzheimer’s research.
But Seth Rogen has never been able to tell his dog penis story, until now. Friday’s Jimmy Kimmel Live was the time and place, and only because his friend and Big Mouth and Sausage Party co-star Nick Kroll was guest hosting while Kimmel was out of town. What are friends for, after all, if not to overrule the legions of talk show pre-interviewers who’ve deemed the tale not fit for broadcast since time immemorial? So, after chiding Kroll about allowing such disreputable storytelling to take place on Disney’s own airwaves (not to mention the pot-adjacent product placement from Rogen’s side-hustle), Rogen delighted in regaling the audience with the time that he was unjustly accused of doing something unseemly with a friend’s dog.
Now, it should be noted that no dogs were harmed in the making of said anecdote, as Rogen assured Kroll that he was merely visiting an unnamed friend when a sharp bark from the dog (Baxter) saw Rogen’s pal shout angrily from the other room, “Seth, he does not like it when you touch his penis!” As Rogen noted with long-suppressed talk show bewilderment, this raises several questions, as the unnamed friend had no idea what was going on out of his eye line. Like, why is that the first place the guy’s mind went? Also, how does the friend know that Baxter does not like that sort of thing? “I feel good, having gotten it out,” expressed Rogen, also affronted that his seriously suspect friend would assume Seth Rogen is no good at touching dogs in intimate places. Kroll, ever the supportive type, assured Rogen that he thinks Seth would be excellent at it.
“How’s this for a transition?,” was guest host Kroll’s way of segueing to a slightly(?) less intimate anecdote about their mutual friend Paul Rudd, so we’ll use the same, topic-hopping tactic here. Referring to Rogen’s Twitter story about the time that Rudd silently swapped in for the person giving Rogen a (non-sexual) massage, Kroll—showing off some fine interviewing chops—asked if it had been a masseur or masseuse originally manhandling Rogen’s back. (Kroll also read out the tweet in his best Seth Rogen voice.) Rogen didn’t answer that, but did say that it just goes to show how versatile Paul Rudd actually is that it could have been either, as Rogen’s unseen massager dutifully worked his flesh, right up to the unexpected face massage that finally gave the game away. Also, as Rogen noted, Rudd is “a tiny man,” which aids him not only as Ant-Man, but in pranking his unsuspecting friends with a firm but gentle, unisex touch.